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masterpieceI’m a big believer in the power of laughter and a couple of years ago I took a crash course in stand up comedy and began writing jokes to do with ageing. Luckily, being older myself, I can’t see if people in the audience are enjoying themselves and with my poor hearing I have no idea if they are heckling me. Most of my material centres around laughing at what we face as we age, after all, it’s going to happen so why not make light of the situation? It’ll help us come to terms with it.

So today, I thought I’d share a few “senior” jokes.

KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

Your spine goes out more than you do.

You’re asleep, and your family keep checking to see that you’re still alive.

You have a party and the people next door don’t even notice.

You are cautioned to slow down, not by the police but by your doctor.

You turn down the lights to be economical instead of romantic.

*

Sidney was 83 when his family bought him his first mobile phone.

That Sunday afternoon, he remembered to take it with him when he went out for a drive, and he almost jumped out of his skin when it rang.

He fumbled around and managed to answer it.

It was his daughter, sounding urgent: “Dad, I’ve just heard on the news there’s a car going the wrong way on the bypass. Please be careful!”

“One car,” said Sidney indignantly. “I’ve had to dodge hundreds this afternoon.”

*

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

*

WARNING: THIS ONE IS BIT NAUGHTY

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

*

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam: “Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.”

Sam says, “Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?”

Herb says: “You’ll going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?”

Sam says, “How about rose?”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.

“Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?

 

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks it on their trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!” he explains.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it on their trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man, indignantly.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.

So the man replies:  “SO DO TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY’RE HALF THE PRICE!”

*

Have a great weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

 

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29”.

“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”

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