Friday is here again and I have a mixed bag of daft jokes to lighten the mood and set you up for the weekend. If you heard me talking about Happy Heart Syndrome on the radio last week, you’ll know laughter is good for you!
A shaggy dog tale
A dog carrying a note in his mouth entered a butcher’s shop, sat down and stared at the butcher.
The butcher took the note and read, “Can I have a steak and three large sausages please?”
The butcher got the steak and the sausages and put them into a large plastic bag. When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty pound note in the dog’s mouth.
He took the note, handed out the bag of meat to the dog who duly took it from him and and padded off.
The astounded butcher closed up shop and followed the amazing dog. The pair soon came to a bus stop. The dog looked at the timetable and sat down on the bench.
The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus,
looked at the number and sat back down.
Ten minutes later, another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number and this time got on the bus, the butcher closely following.
The bus rumbled on and at the fifth stop the dog jumped off; butcher in tow.
The pair walked down a street until they reached a house with a yellow door. The dog set down the meat on the doorstep and headbutted the door. He waited and then took a run at the door, headbutting it again more loudly. He waited, tail wagging. Nothing happened so he jumped up against the front window sill and headbutted the window.
Again he waited. Finally he lifted a large paw and knocked at the window loudly.
At last the front door opened and a man emerged and immediately began yelling at the dog who calmly collected the bag meat and waited to be let in.
“What are you talking about?” replied the man. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”
He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the ice rink manager.”
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
‘Was the other Indian crazy or what?’
The Indian replied ‘No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’
Immediately, there was the answer.
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
‘Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!’
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ Like the others, he then heard an answering call, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!’
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read …
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
Have a good weekend!