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Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says, “It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight.”
Murphy says, “Everyone will be watching the band.”
Paddy says, “There isn’t a band playing tonight.”
So Murphy says, “I definitely heard someone say, ‘a band on ship.’
The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
I did feel like a right twit on the bus.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
“The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
FLU SEASON To avoid it…
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol….
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes and laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs
Can’t get you!
‘A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ass!’
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
Paddy says, “I’ve put their dog in our garden – now we’ll see how they like it!”