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meboxingHands up if one of your resoultions was to get fit this year? Maybe I can help with my Feel Good Friday jokes and suggestions …

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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The first machine the health club put me on was the respirator.

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I don’t need to go to the gym because I had a good workout swivelling on my chair.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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Why did the shellfish go to the gym?
To get stronger mussels. (Groan!)

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At this time of the year, many people take up new forms of exercise in an effort to ditch the excess weight gained from the festive season. You may be one of the hundreds who have decided to take up jogging. Therefore it might be useful then to bear in mind the “Eight essential tips for the beginner”:

1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back four fingers of scotch. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.

2. Check your resting pulse. If you can’t find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called “playing doctor” and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.

3. Never run if you are a short person. Short persons are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.

4. Always wear – a) a brassier, and b) a jockstrap. (Strike out where inapplicable). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.

5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and rap taunting children smartly across the back of the head with it.

6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say “Get down,boy!”. If that doesn’t work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society.

7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.

8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can’t find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.

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A school teacher asks a student, ‘Johnny, will you please conjugate the verb ‘to go’ for the class?”.

The boy begins, “I go … um … you go … ehmm… he goes … um …”

“How about a little faster?”, asks the teacher.

The boy replies, “Sure! I run, you run, she runs…”

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Hope you enjoyed the jokes today. Yes, that is me in he photo although it was taken many, many years ago. Don’t overdo the exercise and remember to laugh – it is the best workout you can have.

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