I bet many of you have taken up new hobbies and activities this year. Hope you fair better than Mr Grumpy. A few years ago he took up golf, booked a series of lessons, bought the clubs, a single white glove and several dozen luminous golf balls. Several frustrating weeks later and much gnashing of teeth, he gave up. And he lost every single luminous ball in the water!
In his honour, our first selection of jokes this year are about golf. If you have nay others or funny stories to add, put them in the comments below. Come on, don’t be shy!
A husband and wife head out to the golf course to play golf together for the first time. In fact, Ray has been teaching Debra to play, and this is going to be her first full 18 holes of golf.
Things are going pretty well until they reach the 7th hole. The tee shot is across a pond to a tight fairway. Ray senses trouble when he sees the big house sitting right next to the fairway on the right side – right where Debra’s slice might take her ball.
Sure enough, Debra hits her tee shot and the ball curves straight for the house. It crosses into the backyard and crashes through a big picture window.
Ray and Debra both cringe. “I’m so sorry!” Debra exclaimed. “Don’t worry about,” Ray said, “we’ll just have to go up that house, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that window is going to cost us.”
So they walk over to the house, find its front door, and knock. A deep, soothing voice replied, “Come on in.”
When they open the door, the damage caused by Debra’s errant shot was obvious. Glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle lay on its side near the smashed window.
A man was reclining on the couch. “Are you the people who broke my window?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. We’re very sorry about that,” Ray replied.
“Oh, no apology necessary!” the man exclaimed. “I owe you a huge ‘thank you.’ You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. When your golf ball broke the bottle, I finally was set free! Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes.
“Wow, this is amazing!” Ray said. He thought for a moment, then blurted out, “I want $10 million a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll even guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now, what’s the second wish?”
Debra jumped in: “I’d like to own a huge, gorgeous mansion in every country in the world, each one complete with servants! And all bills paid!”
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!
“You have one wish left,” the genie continued, “but I want to ask you a favor.
I’ve been trapped in that bottle for so long … would you mind allowing me to make the final wish?”
Ray and Debra both were quick to say yes. After all, their future was more than secure. “What is your wish, genie?” Ray asked him.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years,” the genie said to Ray, “my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
Ray and Debra looked at each other, and whispered back-and-forth for a few seconds. Ray asked Debra what she thought.
“You know, considering our good fortune today, all thanks to this genie, I guess it would be OK. But would you mind, Ray?”
“You know I love you, honey,” Ray replied. “I’d do the same for you.”
So Debra and the genie went upstairs. Ray waited downstairs while the pair spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other’s company.
After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over. Looking directly into Debra’s eyes, he asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“We’re both 35,” Debra responded breathlessly.
“No kidding. That’s interesting,” the genie said. “Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?”
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
Bob was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn’t matter what the weather was like. It could be raining and 45 degrees, but Bob didn’t care. It was off to the course. Every single Sunday morning for years.
But one Sunday, Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee.
But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold.
For the first time in years, Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said “Terrible weather out there.”
“Yeah,” his wife replied, “and can you believe my idiot husband went golfing?”
“Whats your excuse for coming home so late?”
“Golfing with friends, my dear.”
“What? At 2 a.m.?!”
“Yes, We used night clubs.
Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.
The other old man is amazed at his friend’s reverence for the deceased. “That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I’ve ever seen from you.” he says.
“Well I figure it’s the least I could do. After all, we were married for 42 years”