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What Friday already? Here are your funnies for today and thanks to those who provided them.

Hope they send you chuckling into the weekend:

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Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says, “It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight.”
Murphy says, “Everyone will be watching the band.”
Paddy says, “There isn’t a band playing tonight.”

So Murphy says, “I definitely heard someone say, ‘a band on ship.’

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FLU SEASON To avoid it…
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR
Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol….
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes and laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs
Can’t get you!
REMEMBER:
‘A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ass!’

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The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”

The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Italian said…………..”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

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Laughter is contagious so please feel free to share these.

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