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GetAttachment-6.aspxI’ve got some great jokes this week. (The second one is naughty!) Hope you’re not offended and you laugh as much as I did when I heard them.

Thank you, Michelle Knight for sending them to me.

*

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, ” Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Tortoises’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The old farmer said, ” When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of nitwit put him up there to begin with.”

*

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One moves away and they’re lost without him.

A new woman joins their golf club. When she hears the men talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good.

Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”.

She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the men are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed.

They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the men. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies.

“I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left , I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

*

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on
the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his
head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’

After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says,

‘He’s not even a member of this club!’

*

Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth!

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