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GetAttachment-6.aspxI have a mixed bag of jokes for you today. Hope they make you grin a little:

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”

The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.” The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.” The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”

*

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.

Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” He practically went into shock.

He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the postman dropped dead on our porch!”

*

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of them stops mid-swing when he sees a long funeral procession on the road by the course. He takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

*

A man says to his friend: “Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.”

His friend replies: “Well, if I loosen my hold, she will surely buy something.”

*

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

“Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

“Now,” says his boss, “I just need the one copy.”

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