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Apolgies if you came for the Feel Good Friday jokes. You have to put up with me leaping about in glee at all the outstanding reviews I have been receiving for Grumpies On Board this week as it completes a virtual tour. One of my favourite lines came from Brook Cottage Books:

Any writer who can make me laugh so hard that I snort wine out my nose is a winner in my eyes!

GOBJBREVIEW

During the week, I spotted that it was #talklikeapirate day on Twitter which led me to ruin it all by adding pirate jokes. The went down so well, I thought I’d bombard you with some today. So without further ado, yohoho, me hearties:

A reporter was interviewing a retired buccaneer about his many years living at sea. As she understood it, he had lead a very long and exciting life. Trying to find an exciting story, she started the interview by asking, “So, Captain, how did you get your peg leg?”

The Captain responded, “I got too drunk one night and broke me’ ankle. The ship doesn’t have a doctor, so we cut it off and put the leg on thar.”

The reporter was disappointed, because she had expected a more exciting story. Not to be discouraged, she would move on to her next question, asking him how he had gotten the hook on his hand. He responded, “ ‘Twas me night to cook and I wasn’t paying attention when cuttin’ the food. Like before, we didn’t have no doctor te fix me up, so we put the hook on there.”

Once again, the story had been less exciting than the reporter had hoped. In a final act of desperation, she asked about the path on his eye, to which he explained, “I was out on the deck lookin’ at the sea when a seagull flew overhead and its droppin’s fell clear into me eye.”

The reporter was confused. “That’s why you wear a patch on your eye?”

The Captain responded, “Well, I’d only had me hook for a few days!”

*

How much did the American pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck-an-ear.

*

What is a pirate’s least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

*

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge multi coloured parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeep, amazed at this sight, says “Now where did you get that!?”

The parrot replies “Pirate Bay, the place is loaded with ’em!!”

*

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”. The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid”. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

*

Have a good weekend and remeber to smile while you still have teeth.

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