Uhm…I shall soon (very soon) be facing 50 from completely the wrong direction so today it seemed appropriate to bombard you with birthday jokes as the theme for Feel Good Friday. Bring on the jelly, cake and party poppers!
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said I needed an upgrade.
Q: What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
A: A trunk full of gifts!
It’s a hot day and a travelling salesman is passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house. So he stops and says to the little old man, “You look as if you don’t have a care in the world! What’s your formula for a long and happy life?”
And the little old man says, “Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night; I don’t get to bed until four in the morning.”
And the guy says, “Wow, that’s just great. How old are you?”
And the little man says, “Twenty-two.”
I’ve reached the age when blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.
What does every birthday end with?
Every morning a man passes a house in his street and every morning he sees a woman in her front garden beating her husband over the head with a French loaf. This goes on for months until one morning he passes the house and sees the woman is beating her husband with a large éclair. Later that day he meets the woman in the street.
“Aren’t you the woman who beats her husband with a French loaf?” asks the man. “Only, today, I could have sworn you were hitting him with a big cake.”
“Oh, I was,” replies the woman. “Today is his birthday.”
Harry shows Tom a beautiful diamond ring he’s bought for his girlfriend’s birthday.
“I thought she wanted a four-wheel drive,” says Tom.
“She did,” replies Harry. “But where am I going to find a fake Land Rover?”
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
Have a great weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth.