Tags

, , , , ,

MinionToday, the latest film starring the Minions releases in our cinemas and as much as I want to see it, Mr Grumpy will not take me. (All shout “boo!” at him, please.) After what happened at the last Toy Story film it’s probably better I don’t go to the cinema to watch it and wait until the DVD comes out. So, for thos eof us who are unable to go and chuckle at the Minions, here’s a few Feel Good Friday jokes for you. The first from the wonderfully funny Cathy Speight:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo, and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord.”
Amazed this guy knows about Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”
A bit miffed by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat-minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.
Well and truly miffed now that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, “Okay, smart arse, you get up here and do it!”
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you.”

*

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could You make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”

*

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “And make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

*

Have a good weekend!

Advertisements