It’s Friday and it’s time for a few jokes to see you into the weekend but first I want to mention the Smile Street Team. This intrepid band of volunteers are helping me to promote my books, gigs and anything to do with laughter. I’ll tell you more about them over the weekend but for today, I’d like to thank them all. They are out on the streets with goody bags for passers-by, trying to spread some smiles, so today’s jokes are especally for them:
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!”
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?”
“We can’t chew them because we have no teeth”, she replied.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one.
Paddy O’Flynn, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.”
“We just love the chocolate around them.”