My thanks to Fran, Karl and James for this collection which are a little spicier than usual so please blindfold young children while you read:
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, “I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father.”
So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said “I feel okay turn it up a lot more.”
So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said “Why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing.”
The doctor warned them, “This much could kill you if you’re not prepared,” and the husband replied “I’m ready.”
So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor.
When they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch.
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. “Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor. “Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. “Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?” “Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”
“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.
It was ‘2 for the price of 1’ at the vet’s today, although my other pet didn’t really need putting down.
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.
“Your dog called last night.”
Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth!