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In preparation for my post tomorrow, I am sharing this amusing poem. It turns out that the ‘Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey’ below, attributed to great British poet Pam Ayres, isn’t her work at all! Rather it’s apparently by John Summers. But it’s so ‘Pam-esque’ that the doyenne of the ditty had to take to Twitter to declare ‘I DID NOT write this poem… It is nothing to do with me.’

It is best read out loud in a west country accent.

ODE TO FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (Don’t try this one at home either)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;…
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!”
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

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