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The film everyone is talking about is out today in the UK, so I could not pass up the opportunity to present a humorous montage of Fifty Shades of Grey lines…well, lines that should have been in the book.

I am indebted to 50 Sheds of Grey and others. Please check out the sites out by clicking on them.

Here are my favourite top ten lines that might have appeared in Fifty Shades if it had been written by a man:

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10) She told me she was into extreme bondage . . . so I took her to see Skyfall six times.

9) She leant over the kitchen table. ‘Smack that bottom,’ she squealed, ‘Smack it hard!’ ‘I am,’ I said, ‘But the ketchup just won’t come out.’

8) ‘That’s so hot,’ she cried, ‘It feels so good inside me.’ I smiled smugly. You can’t beat a steaming mug of Bovril on a cold winter’s night.

7) I cowered before her expectantly as she slowly peeled away each layer and then uttered those dreaded words . . . ‘Did you keep the receipt?’

6) ‘Do it,’ she begged. ‘OK,’ I said, tying her hands and gagging her, ‘But there must be easier ways to avoid putting on weight at Christmas.’

5) ‘I’m a bad girl,’ she moaned as she bent over my workbench, ‘I deserve to be punished.’ ‘Very well,’ I said, and cancelled her credit card.

4) ‘Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?’ she asked. I nodded nervously. ‘OK’ she said and ate half my chips.

3) Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

2) Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

1) Her body trembled and shook.’I can’t wait any longer, do it now!’ she cried. ‘OK,’ I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

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Fifty Shades of Gran

I was shocked to open the door and see a frenzied, urgent, heaving mass of bodies. There’s nothing like the post office on pension day.

She drooled and wriggled with excitement. She’d never had two men at once. Meals on Wheels must have hired more staff.

I stopped the car in a lay-by. She felt between my legs and began to tug gently. It took a while but eventually the picnic basket came out.

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With such interest in Fifty Shades of Grey, it was no surprise that supermarkets are leaping on the bandwagon with a new “adult” range of cereals: Porn Flakes, Fifty Shades of Grain and Rice Friskies.

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Hope you have a good weekend. One last word, if your other half mentions they are heading to the local DIY store, watch out in case they return with cable ties and tape.

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