Golly! It’s already the end of January. At last, I have edited my next book (I’ll tell you more about it in due course) so I can devote more time to this blog, so here is today’s collection of funnies brought to you by Fran Fischer and David Solomon. Thank you guys.
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?”
The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married,so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,’ said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,”the man replied, “She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,”She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…
Pregnant when you met her.”
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, “I know I’m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!” “The crackers are complimentary,” the voice to the other end cooly explained. “I believe you are complaining about your room number.”
Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth.