First Feel Good Friday of the year and I decided to bombard you with this amusing collection. I honestly cannot remember (old age is setting in here) where they came from, so thank you to all of you who sent the following and made me start the year with a giggle:
A vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and forty-eight minutes.
The congregation, fed up by now, mob him, get him down from the pulpit and ask what happened.
The vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn’t talk for more than eight minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than ten minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
An Arab oil Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab, and after the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and several thousand US dollars.
A couple of days later, and once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-You card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, “I thought you would show your generosity again, and would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a Thank-You card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates.”
To this the Arab replied, “Aye, laddie, but don’t forget, now I only have Scottish blood in me veins.”
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
To which he replied, “I found the remote.”
Hope you are now starting your weekend with a smile. I am off to the dentist to get mine fixed. I broke a tooth on an orange. No, it wasn’t a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. It was a real one. See, I knew fruit was bad for you.