20140515_094621_resizedOnly a few more Friday’s left in this year and yet I still have plenty of jokes for you. This week once again I must thank Jacqueline Gum, author of Confessions of a Corporate Slut (What a title!) for sending me a couple of these, to the hilarious Fran Fischer AKA fishducky and to Jonathan and Gary on Facebook. Hope they help start your day with a smile:

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.  She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!”   She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”   The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

*

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartments.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.   When you get out, I’m on the left.   With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow…?”

“What …

… You’re coming empty handed?”

*

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost

a foot high.”

*

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she’s standing naked, there’s a knock at the door. The nun calls, “Who is it?”

A voice answers, “A blind salesman.”
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she’s naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, “Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie…?”

*

Two guys are stuck in the desert, close to death, lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden …

“Hey Bill, do you smell what I smell? I’m sure it’s bacon!”

‘Yes, Bruce, it smells like bacon to me.’

So, with their last resources of energy, they crawl up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

Bill races towards the tree. As he approaches, there is a rattle of machine gun fire, cruelly cutting him down. “Bruce, go back!” he cries as the life ebbs out of him. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s … a ham bush!”

Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth!

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