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20140515_094621_resizedIf you remember the old PG Tips adverts and they made you smile, today’s Feel Good Friday selection should appeal. My thanks to Vanessa and Richard from Weybridge for these today. Hope they set you up for the weekend.

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Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster.

Q: What kind of a key opens a banana?
A: A monkey.

Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal.

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: Where do chimps get their gossip?
A: On the ape vine.

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A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says, “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my monkey.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the monkey falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells, “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies, “That’s not a lion, that’s a monkey.”

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A man in a cinema notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him. “Are you a monkey?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.”
“What are you doing at this film?” The monkey replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

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One day an out-of-work mime artist is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

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