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This weekend, the clocks go back so in honour of grabbing an extra hour in bed on Sunday, here’s a few jokes about time. My thanks go to Tom, Paul, Gilly and Rob from Derby for them.

A social worker asks a colleague: “What time is it?”
The other one answers: “Sorry, don’t know, I have no watch.”
The first one: “Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.”

*

Q: Why don’t women wear watches?

A: There’s a clock on the stove!

*

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of his friends asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.
“Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

*

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”

*

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city’s most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “7:15.”
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“7:25.”
The jogger said thanks and left.
Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 7:45.”

*

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “Time’s up.”?

*

Sarah was always late to work no matter how much she tried to be on time, or how many times her boss scolded her. She just could not wake up on time. Her boss said she would fire her if it did not stop. Sarah decided to seek the advice of her doctor. He prescribed her some medication and told her to take one pill before going to sleep. She did and she woke up before the alarm clock sounded and headed into work feeling well rested. Sarah told her boss about the doctor’s prescription and how well it worked. Her boss said, “That is great, Sarah, but where were you yesterday?”

My time is up. Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth.

 

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