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20140515_094621_resizedI was supposed to tell you all about my zorbing adventure today, but my mum reminded me I missed last Friday’s jokes so I couldn’t do the same again. I don’t want to be in trouble or disappoint, so here are today’s Feel Good Friday jokes but please, come back tomorrow as I need to tell you who has won the Apex ducks and give away a spiffing prize that you’ll really want to win. It’s a corker of a prize.

Last week saw the announcement that comedian Tim vine won the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe again this year so today, my jokes are all about the Scots. (There is a tenuous link there somewhere.)

Apologies to all of you with Scottish roots or who live in Scotland.

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“Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” Tim Vine

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Jock and Jimmy were walking along a street in London.

Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair”.

Jock said to his pal, “Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on my best London accent”.

“OK Jock, I’ll keep me mouth shut,” said Jimmy

They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!

The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?”

“Well yes,” said a surprised Jock. “What gave it away?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners.”

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Hamish was heading out to the pub one night.  He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.”

She replied, “Awe Hamish that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?”

“Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m oot.”

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Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?

He sold her four of them.

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What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?

You can tune a lawn mower.

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A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say “yes’ while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, “The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap telephone rates.”

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What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?

The Dolly Llama

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David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He greets the first patient who replies:
“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”

David, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
“Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”
The third starts rattling off as follows: “Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!”
David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks if this is a mental ward.

“No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the Burns unit.”

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If you’ve never watched the BBC series Still Game, then I recommend you take a look at it on DVD or clips on YouTube. If you can understand the accents, it is a very funny series about two men who although old, are still young at heart.

Have a good weekend and remember YOLO!

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