Tags

, ,

20140515_094621_resized

Today’s jokes are especially for my mum who looks forward to the Feel Good Friday jokes. We share a similar sense of humour and both used to love an Irish comedian called Dave Allen who appeared a lot on the television in the 1970s.

Best known for his dry humour, the satirist was usually seen propped up on a stool with a glass of whiskey in hand.

Sadly, Dave Allen passed away in 2005 but here are some Irish jokes to cheer us up this Friday with apologies to all of you who have Irish blood in you. I don’t mean to offend.

Dave Allen one liners:

“My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties.”

“I’m an Atheist…thank God.”

“I’ve stopped smoking…I think the cost was a lot of it, and not being able to breathe. I first gave up smoking when I was eight.”

*

A joke from Dave Allen:

Now it seems there was this English soldier that went to Ireland for a vacation because he knew he could get the best whiskey there. Well … after having had “quite” a night of pubbing, he found himself wandering along the side of an Irish road at a very early hour of the morning.

Coming up the road was an Irish farmer on his way to market. In his wagon was his prize pig and pulling the load was his best horse. When the Irishman saw the soldier he thought, “Poor soldier. Out this early in the morning walkin’ alone. I should offer him a ride.” So, he pulled up next to the soldier and asked if he wanted a ride into town.

Now the English soldier wasn’t too sure about accepting a ride from an Irishman, especially when he saw, sitting on the floorboards, the farmer’s rifle. But the farmer insisted and the soldier was quite drunk (Dave takes another sip from his glass and smiles, sweetly, from over its rim … )

When the soldier was in the wagon the farmer realized he was running late and coaxed his horse to go faster. Just at that moment a wild rabbit ran across the road and scared the horse. He broke into a mad gallop and no matter how hard the farmer tired to stop him, he would not slow down!

Then, suddenly, the horse made a sharp turn and the wagon tipped over and everyone fell out. The soldier landed in a ditch, face down, and couldn’t move. He knew he’d broken at least one arm and a leg. He was feeling dizzy and thought he might even have sustained a concussion. He had trouble seeing from one eye and knew it was bleeding.

From behind him he could hear the farmer moaning over what had happened. “Oh, my poor pig! You’ve got a nasty cut in your side. I’d best be puttin’ you out of your misery.” And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle into the pig. Then, the farmer saw his horse. “Oh, my poor, poor horse! You’ve broken a leg. I best be puttin’ you out of your misery.” And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle, again, into his horse. Then he heard the farmer coming closer to him. The farmer turned the soldier over and said, “oh, you poor soldier … how are you?” The soldier said, quickly, “I never felt better in my life!”

*

Other jokes sent to me by you:

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

*

 Paddy and Murphy in a plane.

Paddy says to Murphy, “If the plane goes upside down will we fall out?”

Murphy says, “No we’ll still be friends.”

*

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls?Rick O’ Shea!

*

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

“Yes!” Paddy replies.

The manager asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “I’m hoping its going to be time and a half.

*

Paddy says to Mick, ” Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger.”

Mick says, ” Put the Frosties back in the box, you eejit!”

*

Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea.

“Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it.”

So, Paddy hangs him over the side. All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick.”

Paddy asks, “Why Murphy, have you caught a fish?”

“No, Paddy.” Murphy replies. “There’s a train coming.”

*

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Paddy’s flat mate, Joanne was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum’s thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just flat mates’.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?’
‘Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure’ said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I’m not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house.
I’m not saying that you did not take the frying pan.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Paddy

Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with Joanne,
And I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Joanne,
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.
Love Ma

*

Have a good weekend and remember to smile while you still have teeth!

 

Advertisements