Two middle-aged, unmarried ladies go on safari to Africa. They spend a night camping in the bush and are told not to leave their tents. But Joan does and gets kidnapped by a gorilla. She spends the next two weeks held captive as he thinks she is a lady gorilla. They find her and take her to hospital. It’s another 2 weeks before her friend Mary can see her. When she visits, she says, “Hello Joan, how are you?” Joan replies: “How am I? How do you think I am? It’s been 2 weeks and he hasn’t written, hasn’t phoned…”
Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Pole applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Mick and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job.”
Mick said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job.”
The manager said, “We’ve based our decision, not on the correct answers but on the question you got wrong.”
Mick exclaimed, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
The manager answered, “Simple. On question number 7, the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”
While a tourist was sipping his tequila at a restaurant in Cabo San Lucas one evening, he noticed a sizzling scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
“Ah, senor,” the waiter replied, “you have excellent taste! Those are called ‘Cojones de Toro’, the testicles from a bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
It smelt so good, the tourist said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
“I am so sorry, senor,” said the waiter. “There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save this delicacy for you.”
The next morning, the tourist returned and placed his order.
That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting his platter, he called the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. But sometimes the bull wins.”
A six-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the six-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.” The four-year-old nods in approval.
The six-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m going to say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”
“Okay!” The four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
“Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there till I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
And finally … if you haven’t already downloaded your free copy of Love Hurts then please do so today. The offer ends tomorrow. The reviews for it have been fabulous and I have been blown away by the response to the book. Thank you to everyone who has downloaded a copy and for your wonderful comments.