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20140515_094621_resizedThank you to all of you who send in the jokes. Some mornings I can’t do anything for laughing at them. Here’s a few I couldn’t fit into any particular category. Cathy Speight, Fran Fischer, and Ann Martinez are among the contributors today.

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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man..
‘Same for me,’ says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table..
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’
‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right.. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’

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 Old person trying to set a password

WINDOWS:Please enter your new password
USER: “cabbage”WINDOWS:Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS:Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS:Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS:Sorry,the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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“My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”
*
A female business executive is late for a meeting. She is doing 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40 . A cop pulls her over and says, “Ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She replies, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it is completely empty.
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!”
*

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man climbs into bed, he looks at his watch and realises he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please … just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to only 4 hours. He shakes his wife awake. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could …”

At this point the wife sits up in bed and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

*

Hope they made you smile. Have a good weekend!

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