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20140515_094621_resizedI’ve got lots to tell you next week, but for today and as a pre-cursor to tomorrow’s post about stand up comedy, here’s a few jokes sent in by some of you. (You know who you are!)

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. Take only a teaspoonful, then say ‘1-2-3.’  When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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A group of Bikers aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in St Helens because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in St Helens because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in St Helens because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in St Helens because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in St Helens because they had never been there before!

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At 71 a woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
“What’s the hell is the matter with you?!” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

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Have a good weekend!

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