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As we head towards into soggy Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK, I’d like to wish you all a lovely weekend and hope the jokes this week start it off with a laugh. They come from two wonderful ladies, Michele Turner and Fran Fischer. Thank you both for these:

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Andrea (my wife) and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket, We went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Andrea called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just after the Officer left, our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

*

 

Our grandmothers still have genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy.

My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

“And when do you drink water?”

“I have never been that sick!”

*

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the door.  “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably.  “No, I really want to talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment…then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

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