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Audrey Carden's grumpy banana

Audrey Carden’s entry for the ‘yellow’ contest this week

Friday is upon us once more. I’ve recently been writing a great deal about relationships between men and women, so it seems appropriate to have some jokes on the subject. Thanks to Stephanie McMann for sending these to me:

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (I definitely agree with that one.)

• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.

• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.

• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.

• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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On that note, I’ll wish you all a super weekend. If you have any jokes you’d like me to post on this feature, please email them to author@carolewyer.co.uk

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