Feel Good Friday jokes are for all you dog lovers. They are in honour of all beloved dogs and their owners and especially for Old Ted from France, Snoops, Sheryl Browne’s wonderful pooch, Mozart who looks after Kim and Will and in memory of much missed Mr Pish, K.S. Brooks’ adorable travelling terrier. (See photograph left.)
Mrs Wainright was standing in a queue at the post office when her neighbour came up to her and said, “Hello Mary, How’s your dog? I saw it yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Wainright “That could NOT have been my dog.”
“Why not?” replied her neighbour, “I’m pretty sure it was your dog.”
“Well,” stated Mrs Wainright smiling, “My dog doesn’t ride a bike.”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!
Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador.
A Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
DUSTBIN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.