Moved from last week’s Feel Good Friday slot because of my latest news, I have a splendid offering of jokes for you. They are especially for Katie Phillips and Lizzie Lamb, Bert and Jasper. I hope they make you chuckle too:
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does it cost so much?” asks the customer.
“Well,” the owner explains, “that parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.
“$4,000,” says the shop owner proudly.
“Wow!” the customer exclaims. “What can he do?!”
“To be honest,” the shop owner admits, “I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it’s tweetable.”
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind. She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.
Son #1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son #2 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son #3 had to do something even better, so he decided to give her his most prized possession, a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could name any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t like to go out anymore, and the chauffeur is a nuisance, so please return the car.”
Then she surprised her second son by saying, “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s much for me. I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”
Finally, she went to Son #3 and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious.”
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
So he could be polyunsaturated.