Cathy Speight is one of those people you are really glad you’ve met. She is an inspiration to us all. A book reviewer, editor and huge supporter of Indie authors, Cathy has a wicked sense of humour and approach to life. She is a ‘Carpe Diem’ person and among achievements can count cycling (I mean serious cycling like routes in Italy and over proper hills) and paragliding.
She is one of the funniest women I have had the pleasure of meeting and she should take up comedy and go on tour (preferably with me). Oh, and yes, tomorrow it’s her birthday. Happy Birthday lovely lady.
Today’s selection of jokes have come from her so enjoy them:.
“Hello? Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.”
“Uh, okay. Then I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled up.”
“Okay, Daddy. Just a minute.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?”
“Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked and ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all! OMG!!!”
“What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it, and I think he’s dead!”
Real long pause.
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?”
Little girl says, “No. I think you have the wrong number…”
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are five old ladies, two at the front and three in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said,”Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”.
“Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.
“Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t uttered a word all this time”
“Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.”
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Five good leads,” says Tommy.
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’
She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, ‘Then I will give you six days in jail.’
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, ‘What is it?’
The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, “Champagne?”
“No,” said the little boy………….”It’s a puppy!”