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IMG_0870It’s a Bank Holiday for us Brits, which means Hubby and I will be toiling in the garden, catching up on all the jobs before the Autumn begins. So, this week the jokes are for all you gardeners out there.

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One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”

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What’s brown and runs around the garden?
A fence.

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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

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Why do melons have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

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A friend of mine mistook a tulip bulb for an onion recently. He went straight to hospital and after a short wait in casualty the doctor saw him.

“Are tulip bulbs poisonous? My friend asked the doctor.

The doctor told him that they were and he would have to be admitted the poisons unit.

“Oh dear” said my friend “How long will I be in for?”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor “You will be out by spring!”

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Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbour’s garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked. “Any luck with the tomatoes?”

“No,” she replied excitedly. “But you should see the size of my cucumbers!”

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Wherever you are and whatever you are doing this weekend, have fun!