Tags

, ,

IMG_0870Not only is it Friday, but it’s the official start to Summer. Let’s celebrate those hazy, lazy, crazy days with a few jokes (For us folk in the UK, let’s celebrate those, hay fever filled, muggy, damp soggy days of Summer!)

Apologies to all of you for not being around much this week. It has been slightly bonkers and next week looks set to be as manic. Details next week, in the meantime, have a laugh!

*     *     *     *     *

Summer Jokes
(summer clever; summer not!)

Q. What’s that new summer pirate movie rated?
A. It’s rated ARRRRRR!
Q. What did the pig say at the beach?
A: I’m bacon!
Q. What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
A. Summer!
Q. What’s the best day to go to the beach?
A. SUNDAY!
Q. Where does a ship go when it’s sick?
A. To the DOCK!
Q. Why do fish swim in salt water?
A, Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q. What do whales like to put on their toast?
A. Jellyfish!
Q. Where does a fish go to borrow money?
A. The loan shark!
Q. What do you call witches who live on the beach?
A. Sandwitches!
Q. What does a shark eat for dinner?
A. Fish and ships!
Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.
Q: Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
A: Because he wears a coat and pants!

*     *     *     *     *

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. “What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

*    *     *     *     *

On a cheerful summer holiday weekend a man walks into the butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
“I’m having a cookout this weekend,” the man says, “and I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The disappointed man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
“It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine?” exclaims the man. “Just up the street they are selling it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher, “When I don’t have any, I can also sell it for 29 cents per pound!”

*     *     *     *     *

Hope the sun shine on you this weekend. and remember to smile while you still have teeth!

Advertisements