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Audrey Carden's entry for the 'yellow' contest this week

Audrey Carden’s grumpy banana

In honour of the How Not to Murder Your Grumpy virtual book tour, here are some grumpy jokes. Please add any you know in the comments section below and let’s have a chuckle about grumps.

FIVE THOUGHTS FROM A GRUMPY

  1. ‘Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.’
  2. Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
  3. Of all my husband’s relatives, I like me best.
  4. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  5. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

*     *     *     *     *

A.A.A.D.D. – Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  • The car isn’t washed.
  • The bills aren’t paid.
  • There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
  • The flowers don’t have enough water.
  • There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
  • I can’t find the TV remote.
  • I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running………………………………..

*     *     *     *     *

And finally, a rude one:

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”

Enjoy the weekend and a very happy Father’s Day to all of you dads out there!

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