In honour of the How Not to Murder Your Grumpy virtual book tour, here are some grumpy jokes. Please add any you know in the comments section below and let’s have a chuckle about grumps.
FIVE THOUGHTS FROM A GRUMPY
- ‘Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.’
- Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
- Of all my husband’s relatives, I like me best.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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A.A.A.D.D. – Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome:
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The car isn’t washed.
- The bills aren’t paid.
- There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
- The flowers don’t have enough water.
- There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
- I can’t find the TV remote.
- I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
PS. I just remembered, I left the water running………………………………..
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And finally, a rude one:
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”
The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”
Enjoy the weekend and a very happy Father’s Day to all of you dads out there!