Happy Friday! Today’s jokes are so bad the person who sent them doesn’t want to be identified, do you Simon? Yes, you Simon! I hope they set you up for the weekend and get you prepared for the big Grumpy Tour which starts on Monday. We are offering all sorts of Grumpy prizes. It’s going to be a great Grumpy Fortnight!
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which
appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day’s mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It
should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: “For sale
R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was
my housekeeper but she quit!
* * * * *
Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
Saturday my husband gets back from his course.
* * * * *
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash … and then his legs fall off!
* * * * *
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really wicked when you’re drunk, Superman.”