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IMG_0870Gosh! Another weekend is almost upon us. Let’s start it early with this week’s jokes. Many thanks to Henrik Blunck and Rob Harrison for this selection

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A man has been stranded alone on a desert island for ten years. One day, he is looking out to sea when he notices a black shape coming towards the island. He peers hard. It isn’t a ship. It’s far too small.

Eventually, the shape reaches the island, clambers up the beach in front of him, peels off its fins and black hood to reveal itself to be a stunning blonde haired woman dressed in a black wetsuit. She shakes out her long hair and looks at the dishevelled man.

“How long has it been since you had a cigar?” she asks tenderly.

“Ten long years,” he replies.

The gorgeous woman unzips a pocket of her waterproof suit and removes a packet of cigars and a lighter, then hands them to the man with a smile.

He takes them from her, pulls out a cigar, lights it and inhales deeply.

“Uh! Wonderful,” he says. “I had forgotten what it feels like to enjoy a good smoke.”

“How long has it been since you had a drink of top quality whisky?” The blonde goddess asks.

“Ten very long years,” replies the man, his eyes lighting up as she unzips another pocket and extracts a bottle of finest whisky and two tumblers.

He takes a long swig from the glass and breathes a contented sigh. “Marvellous. Just marvellous. I had forgotten how good whisky tastes.”

The stunning lady starts to undo the zip on the front of her wetsuit, revealing her delectable body. She licks her lips and murmurs, “How long has it been since you played around?”

The man drops to his knees and weeps tears of joy. Then, wiping away the tears he says in awe, “Don’t tell me, you’ve managed to get a set of golf clubs in there too!”

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Two workmen are in a pub eating their home-made sandwiches.

“Oy!” shouts the barman. “You can’t eat your own food in here.”

The workmen look at each other, swap sandwiches with each other and carry on.

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A man escapes from prison where he had been for fifteen years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen any women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He didn’t kiss my neck. He whispered that he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too…”

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Next week there are lots of prizes and fun here at my blog as I begin the first of the How Not to Murder Your Grumpy tours. be sure to come by and see what you can win. Have a great weekend.

Life is short…smile while you still have teeth!