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IMG_0870The week is drawing to a close and in preparation for the weekend here are your Friday jokes. Have you got any you want to share? Send them to author@carolewyer.co.uk and be featured here. Rotten tomatoes at the ready for today’s collection. If you are blonde or female, or both, you might need them.

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A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying “Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely.” Then the fruit machine shouted “Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don’t go with those shoes.” The barman apologised. “I’m sorry,” he said, “The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order.”

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On a country lane a police car pulled over a farmer and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”
The farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

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A visitor to a mental institution asked the doctor how he knew when patients are ready to be sent home.

The doctor answered, “We fill up a bath with water and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath.

The visitor said, “Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s biggest.”

The doctor said, “No a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like the bed near the window?”

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A wife standing naked in front of her husband said to him, “I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment.” He replied, “Your eyesight is perfect.”

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also just happened to be a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She rummaged through her bag and was getting more and more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

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Have a super weekend and remember that life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.